DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three times in the past year, friends have sent me links to crowdfunding sites where family members were soliciting funds to bury a relative.
I am uncomfortable adding myself to the list of donor names followed by a dollar amount (the “top donor” and their donation is highlighted).
Now I have received an online notice to pay for a 70-year-old cousin’s death-related expenses. These included cremation, biodegradable urns, jewelry made from the ashes for the five (adult) children, a future “celebration of life” ceremony, and money to purchase a “tribute grove” of five to 15 trees.
This person went a little far, in my opinion, but my main struggle is with the optics of such a list. It appears that people are expressing condolences with money.
Most crowdfunding sites have an option to donate anonymously, and I usually do so, because my name is still visible to the organizer.
GENTLE READER: There are those who legitimately need help to finance a memorial service. If a family deems such extras necessary, they can pay for them themselves.
Miss Manners’ advice will not be popular, but she would tell you to refrain from donating except in the most dire of cases — and to do it anonymously. The competitive aspect of this is unseemly, and best avoided.
A condolence letter and offer of help by way of food or transportation is generous.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a teenager in her first job, I have a good workplace, for the most part. The manager is friendly, and the co-workers are amusing and cooperative.
Except one. She is the kind of person who always has something wrong: her finger (cut while she was under the influence), her hand (scraped by a passing car), her hip (nerve pain, which the manager also has), etc.
Her complaints all have one thing in common — making others pick up her slack.
One employee demanded she never get scheduled on the same shift with her. People trade pained smiles when we get stuck with her during rush hours and closing. Multiple people have approached the manager, and he always says he’ll do something (like cut her hours or talk to her), but it never happens.
How can I elegantly handle this? Or should I keep my nose out of it and deal with it?
GENTLE READER: Perhaps, Miss Manners suggests, you can keep your nose out of it and handle it by saying, “I’m so sorry that you’re hurt, but unfortunately, I only have time to do my own job today. Perhaps you can speak to the manager about cutting back if you’re not feeling up to working this week.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it inappropriate to take someone’s glasses right off of their face and clean them?
This happened to me, and I found it insulting. It was not a stranger, but it was at a social event.
GENTLE READER: It’s just weird. Perhaps this person thought they would be doing you a favor. Miss Manners hopes your stunned look conveyed otherwise.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
Originally Published:
